Overcoming Loneliness: How to Find Friends in Later Life
Feeling lonely? You are not alone. Shocking statistics from the World Health Organisation have revealed that one in four people around the world are now suffering from loneliness. Loneliness and social isolation are widespread. And since US Surgeon General, Dr Vivek Murthy, claimed social isolation is as damaging as smoking 15 cigarettes a day – that is to say, shortening your life by up to 15 years – the World Health Organisation has declared loneliness a global health threat.
According to Dr Murthy’s research, isolation contributes to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety and chronic loneliness can increase the chance of heart attack or stroke by 30 per cent, dementia by 40 per cent and double the risk of Type 2 diabetes.”In short, loneliness is killing us,” says Mimi Nicklin, an expert in connection and mutual human understanding. “It’s a critical public health challenge that’s been slowly creeping up in the last few years. Our bodies are wired for connection and, when we are not connected, our brains send us signals that we are not safe, triggering all kinds of detrimental physiological effects. When we feel alone, it puts immense stress on the immune system and makes us more vulnerable to viruses and infections. We can develop mental health challenges and physically we are less strong and less well.”
Loneliness, defined as the subjective, unwelcome feeling of the lack or loss of companionship, is known to be even more prominent in old age, especially among older people living in care homes. With an ageing population globally this is a growing epidemic and in Sri Lanka, where 12.3% of the population is aged 60 or older, our country has the highest proportion of older adults in South Asia. Age UK recently warned that if the issue isn’t addressed, there will be two million over 50s in England alone suffering from loneliness by 2026. Not only will this trend see a widespread impact on the collective health of our elderly members of society, but it will also negatively impact the health services of all countries, putting additional pressure on already over-stretched public services.
“There are many reasons for being lonely, particularly in women over 50,” explains Mimi. “Bereavement, divorce, empty-nesting, retirement, reduced mobility, digital exclusion and low income can all be contributing factors. It’s hugely important to foster meaningful connections and friendships.”
Here, expert Mimi, who lives and works in Colombo, shares her top tips to build bonds and make friends in your 50s, 60s and beyond island-wide:
Admit you’re lonely
“It’s crucial to recognise you are feeling lonely. A lot of people are embarrassed and experience so much shame about being on their own, they try to ignore it. Others have been isolated for so long, it’s become a habit they simply don’t recognise as a problem. So with a great deal of self-compassion (not criticism) feel it, name it and own it. That will help to take away its power.”
Get into a routine
“As humans we love routine – it makes situations feel familiar, more comfortable and less scary. Make a plan, write it in a diary, on a calendar or put it in your phone. Once you schedule the event, no matter how small it might be, you will feel more committed to going. Then it is key that you start building the rest of your week around it. Whether its a local religious centre, a walk on the Galle Face with friends or a trip to Pettah to shop, make it a routine ”
Be yourself
“If you truly want to connect, be authentic and let people really see who you are. That allows others to feel comfortable enough to drop their guards. If you feel awkward, curiosity is the backbone to empathy, so ask questions. Then listen – listening is a key skill that builds rapport and trust, taking conversation beyond the surface. Make sure you listen to understand – not just to reply!”
Be patient
“With yourself and others! It takes 30 hours to forge a casual friendship – and 150 hours to build a solid connection. Making friends is like dating – you are getting to know them to see if you are compatible. Try not to judge harshly, and be open-minded and flexible about arrangements. Take turns to suggest where you will meet and what you do. And don’t be afraid to try something new – you don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it. You might even learn something!”
While huge attention goes to other events in the calendar, International Day for Older Persons, can often be forgotten. This year try to use your empathy to reflect on how loneliness is affecting the older adults in your community, and what we can, together, do to help address this in Sri Lanka.
Mimi Nicklin is a Bestselling Author, an Award Winning Empathy Advocate, and a CEO with over 12,500 students all over the world. Her HQ is based in Colombo and she has recently won the Top 45, Under 45 Leadership Award in Sri Lanka. She specialises in connection, improving dialogue, performance and engagement in forward-thinking organisations. She is the Founder of Empathy Everywhere, the world’s most extensive training platform to use social intelligence and team communication to drive transformational change. Her podcast, The MiMiYouYou Show, is growing at over 800% a month and her second leadership book is out late-2024. You can find her @miminicklin across social media or via www.empathyeverywhere.co
